Twilight Saga: Eclipse with a grip-load of spoilers and disturbing images

Directed by David Slade. Released 2010. Rated PG-13.

If you wanted to see this movie you probably have already. If you haven’t, you didn’t want to anyway. That established, I am going to spoil this movie as much as possible.

First, let me assure you that I am as disturbed by the frequency of children’s movies in my reviews as you are. This next one straddles the line between the grown-up and children’s genres, and should probably have its own category. I’ll call it the Woman-Child’s genre. This genre reflects the dreams of women while retaining unrealistic views that can only be called childish.

In case you’re worried I’m being sexist, there is a Man-Child genre. These films are mostly action, though. Like Die Hard 4, or The Losers. The unrealistic points of view in Man-Child movies are mainly awesome to watch,



and don’t make you uncomfortable like Woman-Child movies do.


(Like walking in on your mom....)

So, here we have an interesting specimen of Woman-Child cinema: Twilight Eclipse. It’s a new sort of woman’s movie that is dark without being lesbian-feminist, yet still so estrogenially driven that only women can stare into directly…like the title hints at.



And that’s why I had to watch it at a drive-in. Watching a movie like this is like being locked in a car while an incontinent Pepe LePew has his way with a futily-resisting cat. Watching it at a drive-in is nearly the same, but with your head refreshingly out of the window.


(Just another reason why Smell-o-Vision would be a terrible idea)

But let’s get to the gritty. Eclipse has a story! Or something very close to it. I have suspicions that Eclipse is two stories, but the interesting one is not only told by secondary characters, but has almost no impact on the main characters.

We all know that Bella and Edward are simply made for each other, right? And we all know that it’s Jacob who really deserves her, but she’s, like, too conflicted over her relationship with Edward, right? Good, because this movie is nothing like hearing about it for two hours.

Except that Bella is really only leading Jacob on for her own selfish means. And not only Jacob, but his entire tribe of Indians. On top of that, she never lets Edward into the know. Does this make her a bad person? What part of it doesn’t? Whatever. There’s cooler stuff going on, while this is unfolding.

There is a vampire that is pissed at Bella from the first movie. This vampire is raising an army of vampires to kill Bella. Bella’s house-trained vampires hear about it, via equal parts obvious news reports and clairvoyance. They immediately and unquestioningly step up to the table, putting all their lives down. They are naturally worried that this army of super vampires could be dangerous to their six-man team.


(I don't see why people so fashionably dressed would worry about anything)


Selflessly, Bella enlists the services of the were-wolf tribe Jacob is from. She has some few concerns that are all silenced when she reasons: “But this is for my protection.” It’s never talked about it again, and she never talks to any of the fighters ever again.

This is probably shy of the half way point. After here we just see poorly delivered line after poorly delivered line from both good and bad guys, along with different training sequences. Bella exemplifies Triflin’ brand Ho behavior, and Edward proposes. She accepts and then lets Jacob rub up on her in front of Edward for an entire night without ever acknowledging that it might be awkward. Then she makes out with Jacob the next morning. Honestly, if Jacob could just shut up about trying to be alpha male he could bank on a piece of that triflin’ booty being available every time Edward left the house. Or, apparently, whenever Bella was in the mood.


(Edward is just overreacting. This is part of the uniform for milkmen now a days)

We get some more back story on some other vampires. It's kinda fun, but like I said, Bella couldn’t care less. Then the war happens. You may hear some bad things about the war, but it was ok. Arms were being torn off, heads were snapped, and giant wolves were eating people. Of course, the main characters were pretty safe and far away. Only the two most important bad guys break free and make their way to Bella so we can tie the two stories together.

Everything turns out ok. Bella even cuts herself to distract the bad vampires so she doesn’t have to see Edward’s head broken. I say “even” because Bella actually did something for someone else, not because I think it made the movie better. I think we can all agree killing Edward would only simplify things and lead to a happier ending for everyone.

But she never apologizes for risking everyone’s lives, never apologizes for cheating on Edward in front of him, and actually insists that she becomes a vampire for the lifestyle, not because she loves Edward. In fact, she makes it sound like he is simply convenient.

For some reason, Jacob gets mangled by a stray enemy in one of the last sequences. I think it was an excuse for the doctor vampire to do good deeds to werewolves, but, like everything else poignant in this movie, it has no moral effect on Bella.

So there you have it. I couldn’t say anything more. If you aren’t getting turned on by Jacob’s abs, there is no reason to watch this. Don’t let anyone tell you that they like it for the story. They like it because they want to be immaculate whores.


(She may have the name, but she don't look like Mother Mary)

Toy Story 3

Directed by Lee Unkrich. Released 2010. Rated G.



How does a movie like this end up being a wonderful children’s movie? How does someone write a children’s movie about death, abandonment, elderly-care, and religious questioning with never actually using the terms associated to them?
Actually, a few people in the after-movie discussion were a little irritated that I would take the movie that far from its target (five-year-old) audience. Let’s see if I can break it down.

Andy is the owner of a small band of desperately loyal toys, all of whom wear his name on their bodies. It would be perfect for these toys, who value nothing more than being played with by their kid, except their kid is not a kid any more. He’s seventeen and pretty much done with toys. The beginning of the movie is a slow paced kick in your mortality. You will get old, people will leave you, and when that time comes it’s either wait to die or take the quick road. In fact, many of the familiar faces from the first two movies have already found their way out of Andy’s life.



(Bo Peep is definitely not in this movie)

At this point, you only have a few thoughts to keep you afloat: an unknown future (which could be bright. Possibly. Maybe.), or the “at least we still have each other” mentality. Neither thought seems very buoyant; after all, Andy didn’t care about tossing their friends, and what’s keeping them together if not faith in Andy?

See how that word faith found its way in here? Keep it in mind.

That’s as far as I’ll take the synopsis. You should already know most of that just from the first trailers. It was hard to watch with those themes in mind, but the movie doesn’t keep you in agony for long. Soon we’re back to enjoying toys in action, with all of their caper-like stylized action. So what’s new? Naturally, a few new characters, a new world to explore, that sort of thing. While the toys have had to deal with misfortune and human wickedness before, this time they have to deal with it from other toys. This new dynamic lets light in on the toy moral ethic and many of the driving forces in their lives. It helps the audience question their own methods. Or not. Sometimes it’s just fun to chuckle at the simple life of a toy.

Can anyone actually tell me if the visuals are actually getting better? I swear, in 1995 the characters looked perfectly in their element. They still do and I can’t tell if they were just perfect the first time or if Pixar just effortlessly keeps up with the pace so easily that they won the gold while jogging.



It’s interesting to relate toys to the abandoned parents of children, but that seems to be how Toy Story has always taken itself. They stay with a child, a child they love more than anything, and they stay until the child is grown up and can make do without them. Then the kid has to do SOMETHING with his poor care givers. Donate, attic, or trash. In this movie you can substitute those words with old folks home, your basement, or...trash. But a kid's gotta do something.

However, Toy Story 3 deepens that relationship into near worship. The dramatic question throughout the movie is “how can we return to Andy,” but just behind that question is the question that was asked before they were separated, “does Andy care?”

While some toys are set on making their own fortune and cutting their losses, others, like Woody, are constantly urging the toys to just stay together and stay as close to Andy as they can; someday he may need them, and, if not Andy, maybe his children. It is the faithful waiting game; there is no guarantee, barely a promise and no future vision. Why bother? Just have faith.

In a climactic moment, disaster seems eminent, one faithless character asks the ironically religious question, “Where’s your boy, now?” Personally, I use the root phrase of that as often as possible.



In conjunction with this movie, it’s impossible to not see its religious connotations. I shouldn’t really go into detail about what happens next, but I think it is a very honest way to look at faith in reality.

When all is said and done, the movie is a blast, even if you don’t care for its theological themes. All of the characters the movie retains are more fleshed out than ever. After the previous films it’s obvious that these toys are old hands at working together and getting out of situations, so their caper-style antics are at their best. The Potato Heads have some of the absolute funniest scenes and gimmicks as it turns out that their mix-and-matchable parts can connect to other things than their bodies.



(This is not one of those moments)

Definitely a high rating. 3-D was good because it wasn’t intrusive, but I’m not sure it was necessary. I’ll tell you what, though. You better watch it 3-D just so no one can see you cry behind the dark shades at all the sad parts.



(You'd never guess he just shot his woman...and then watched Toy Story 3)

Kick-Ass

Directed by Matthew Vaughn. Adapted from the graphic novel. Released 2010. Rated R.



Honor, Courage, Maturity, Idealism, Love, and the importance of Fatherhood: these are the unspoken key-words in of Kick-Ass. Another list of its contents might be gratuitous Stylized Violence, an abundance of Teen Sex, a contradictory Disregard for Life, and a lot of Heart. Or laughs. I probably laughed more. Yeah, definitely a laughing movie.

And, Oh! The things we laughed at! I’ve been entertained, or awed, by senseless violence before, Watchmen and any number of Tarantino movies come to mind, but to say I’ve been delighted by violence before—well, that’s just something I haven’t said until now. I was disturbed to be delighted by a thirteen year old girl playing an eleven year old and killing mobsters in the most gangster-ninja ways I’ve ever seen. I’m also a little disturbed to have to mention my infatuation with the youngest actresses in two reviews in a month. American directors must be learning something from the Chinese Olympic coaches, and I’m all for it.



Actually, I’m a little torn. The first list of Kick-Ass’ virtues carry out the best themes of the movie, but the follow-ups on each are less than clear. Let’s review--
Kick-Ass is the story of high-school student nobody, Dave Lizewski, in the mean streets of New York, tackling crime as a homemade superhero. Acting on principles born of comic books, he inspires the city via YouTube and Myspace. This makes him the most up to date hero yet. Of course, things get out of hand. It’s a movie after all. Hilariously, his alter-ego includes confusion on sexual orientation, but that should be the least of his worries as the mobsters he faces get badder and badder.

What we have to deal with is the psychological cost of all of these choices. Is it worth it to be inspiring and effective if it also means to be as ruthless as the bad guys? This question is barely addressed by the characters, but it stares the audience in the face more than once. You’d think a movie based on comic book morals would address this age-old question. Maybe that’s why it didn’t, but it felt like the movie transitioned from a story about courage to simply a story about power. We never question the characters with power; we are simply impressed by it. Even the bad guys have enough charming moments that we only root for the good guys because they seem to care more about each other.

Now, the movie does briefly give a reason for why it abandons its high ideals. Without revealing too much, our hero discovers something that is more valuable to him than simply following his dreams. It’s a bold message and an interesting one in a genre that mostly values naïve idealism and dream-following supremely. However, Kick-Ass only mentions it in passing and is swallowed up in more questionable themes.

All in all, it was a very fun movie to watch. If it wasn’t for the unnecessary sexuality that could’ve been replaced with more superhero fun, and the moral basis it abandoned, I’d give it 4 stars. As is, it’s probably just a 2.5. But we don’t need to look at it as a movie that loses points for being shallow; we can look at it as a movie that murders its way to our hearts.



The 'R' is well deserved, so don't bring your kids. That is so obnoxious.